My Answers Questioned !!

How can we be free to look and learn when our minds from the moment we are born to the moment we die are shaped by a particular culture in the narrow pattern of the ‘me’? For centuries we have been conditioned by nationality, caste, class, tradition, religion, language, education, literature, art, custom, convention, propaganda of all kinds, economic pressure, the food we eat, the climate we live in, our family, our friends, our experiences, every influence you can think of, and therefore our responses to every problem are conditioned. - Jiddu Kirshnamurti

The Weekend Where It Started

     I was 19. It's been a while since I visited Tirupati as I was sailing through the joys of undergrad life in Guntur. So, I thought, why not make a weekend visit to my birth town as Nani, my cousin, was also planning to visit from Bangalore. He's a busy guy as he was venturing into MBA and finding quality time with him was kind of a rare thing. So the weekend was a perfect time to catch up on things while crunching on Atta's delicious Karam Dosas. 

    Whenever we cousins meet, we sleep in one room casually chit chatting through the night or watching movies. That evening, however, Nani brought up the subject of Buddha. Well, as kids growing up in India, Buddha was not a mystery. We hear his name often as a renowned and revered being from centuries ago. However, we haven't learned about the story of Buddha. So, Nani bringing up this random subject piqued my interest.

Nani: Do you know about Buddha and how he got enlightened?

Me: Don't know what you mean by enlightened. What's his story anyway?

Nani: He was once a prince and his actual name was Siddha. He once sees a dead body ....... Goes into questioning...... Travels to forest... Meditates... Realizes his self and becomes a Buddha...... {abridged the full story}

Me: It's an interesting story but I still don't understand what he realized or accomplished or why people worship him as God. 

Nani: God is a different subject to discuss but it's getting late already. Let's sleep. 

Me: Ok but I am curious about one thing. You never spoke of these things (spiritual) before. So what changed and where were you learning these things from?

Nani: I made a new friend. He knows so many such stories. His name is Arun.

    That night, for the first time, I felt like I learned something interesting. See, I never read any book before that. Heck I barely even read my academic books. Probably that's why I used to consistently fail in school exams and get yelled at both by teachers and family. As salt rubbed into my wounds, all my cousins and sister were studious and top performers. I always felt like a sore thumbed anomaly of the family. 

    Anyhow, coming back to the story, when I learned about Buddha from Nani, it sort of brought some strange joy. It was hard to explain but I was lost in thoughts thinking "How cool of a dude Buddha would be to meet. Imagine the kind of things I can learn from him". Pondering through those imaginations in the night, eventually I succumbed to my slumber. Next day we said our Good Bye's as we parted our ways. Me to Guntur and Nani to Bangalore. 

Meeting Nani's Friend

        After that weekend, I never pondered about Buddha again. I forgot all about that conversation with Nani. Life got busy in Guntur. No, not with college and studying. Studying was kind of boring. We used to study only before exams by mostly memorizing answers. My avocations during undergrad were driving around with friends, testing the max speed on motorbikes (those speeds were terrifying on a motorbike but back then it was all fun. stupid teenage life), shopping, eating all sorts of street food, watching movies, tv shows and random video songs on youtube. Just casual and chill college life. 

    Months later, I visited Tirupati again. This time Nani did not visit as he was busy preparing for CAT. After a couple of days of roaming in Tirupati, it was time for me to head back to Guntur. Before I left home, Nani's friend dropped by to pick up some food items atta cooked for Nani. He introduced himself as "Arun". He offered to drop me off at the bus stand. I gladly accepted his offer. While on his bike, I suddenly remembered Nani's conversation from the first weekend about his friend named "Arun". So I asked...

Me: Anna, long ago Nani told me he made a friend named Arun and that he learned new things from him. Are you that friend?

Arun: What did he say he learned?

Me: About Buddha

Arun: Ah, then yup that is me. Though he may have exaggerated as I just told him what I read.

Me: Where and how did you learn these things? I don't think I have talked to anyone who spoke of such things before?

Arun: I read a lot of books.

        I thanked him for dropping me off as I boarded the bus to Guntur.

First Book

     Unlike my last trip to Guntur, this time my mind was constantly occupied thinking about books. I have always observed in movies that intelligent people read a lot of books. This observation combined with Arun anna's conversation inspired me to start reading books. To my luck, I found out there's a famous book exhibition being organized in Guntur. Since I knew nothing about books and my English comprehension was horrible, I dragged my friend Chakri to the exhibition hoping he could help me buy some good books. Little did I know that he's not that interested in books but he just tagged along anyway to humor my enthusiasm. 

    I asked the employees at the exhibition to suggest a few books for a first time reader. After a lot of recommendations and shortlisting, I bought:

• Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
• Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

    I started with Alchemist. I read it every evening through late night. I finished the book in a week and I was immensely happy for two reasons: I finished my first book in life & the story was terrific with philosophical touch. 

    With the continued unnerving rigor, I immediately picked up the 2nd book, Twilight. I quickly realized the story was cliché. I forced myself to finish the book anyway. I wasn't sure why someone recommended me this book. I realized either the book was actually lame or I lacked the matured comprehension of novel reading. I convinced myself it's the later. I thought may be it's hard to find good books. I quickly lost interest in reading and didn't buy my 3rd book until 2 years later in Bangalore.

    Nevertheless, Alchemist was a great first time reader book. Though 10 years later, now, I would rate it an "ok" book. 

The Birth of Inner Monkey

     Reading Alchemist, conversations with Nani and Arun anna triggered some sort of weird agitation within. Constant racing of thoughts as if my entire life till that moment had no meaning. A constant pestering neural activity prevented me to sleep, focus or act. I call this the "Inner Monkey". No purpose, no clarity but aimlessly wandering towards something and yet nothing. Like a foolish child walking in the dark excited to find a flambeau but ignorant to use it. As if I found some stupid purpose all of a sudden and yet no clarity on the next step. Classic Dunning-Kruger effect experienced in full motion. On one hand I had this constant push to share with friends about this new found knowledge but on the other hand I knew not what to say. My friends started noticing this turmoil too and probably thought I lost my sanity. If anyone asked me about these thoughts, I blindly quoted either Alchemist or of something I heard from Nani. I had no idea what I was talking about. 

        

    The Inner Monkey messed up my final year. My academic scores took a sharp nose dive but fortunately I managed to graduate. I got the idea to move to Bangalore right after graduation to learn more from Nani and Arun anna. To my luck they both live in the same apartment and welcomed me as a roommate. 

    Right after graduation, I was neither interested in doing a job nor studying further. The Inner Monkey just wanted to explore life while gradually figuring out what I really wanted to do. However, this sort of reasoning gets you a big fat slap at home. See, Indian parents expect you to focus on studies and get a job as soon as possible. Anything outside that is considered a useless endeavor. So I came up with the idea of GRE preparation to pursue Masters in USA. I get to stay in Bangalore while preparing and if it works out, then I get to go to USA. It's not a bad idea as it would give me atleast one year of free time living in Bangalore. One year of absolute jobless life. What a bliss !!

Roommates of Marathahalli

    I moved to Bangalore. Super excited. Nani was living with his roommates: Arun anna and Sundeep anna, in an apartment in Marathahalli. 

    Nani already quit his software job by then as he wanted to focus full time on MBA exam preparations. Most of the day he's locked up in his room either studying or sleeping. He would come out only for 3 things: food, bathroom and yelling at us for being loud. 

    Sundeep anna had a disciplined strict life of Pranayama yoga in the morning, office work, dinner and sleep. 

    

    Arun anna's discipline was interesting. As long as he has done his Book reading (parayana) and Dhyanam session for the day, everything else was a low priority. He considered office work, food and fun as secondary. Once I asked him, "Anna, don't you have goals to change jobs and make more money?". For which he replied, "See, my main goals in life are Spirituality and Realization. Job is just a tool to take care of my food and shelter. As long as such basic necessities are taken care of with my salary, I am absolutely content. "

    

    Arun anna was one of the main reasons I moved to Bangalore as I was hoping he would tame and direct my Inner Monkey.

The First Question

    That first evening in the apartment, sitting in the living room with Arun anna, was the conversation I still remember a decade later as it fundamentally changed my life and my perception towards everything. See, Arun anna has this skill to humble your thinking. He can stomp on the tail of Inner Monkey just through narrating stories. He asks great questions to strike your foundational thinking. Till this day I consider him a great narrator, the skill only a few can master. 

Me: Arun anna, what made you explore this interesting side of life? You call it spiritual but I really don't know much about it. 

Arun: Dingu, did it ever occur to you what happens after someone dies? Yes we talk about burying the body, we talk as if someone's no more physically. However, is it really the end? Have you ever asked yourself that question?

Me: No anna. So what happens when someone dies?

Arun: See, we talk casually about rebirth, next life etc; subjects. However, we do not inquire about them. We see them in movies or hear about them from our parents and take them for granted. But is it really the case though? Let's say if there's indeed a life after death, then what happens right after death and before that life is re-born? Is it the same person that goes into next life? If yes, then what happens to our thoughts? Why do we not remember anything about our past life? Or is it all just a lie passed down through generations? Why has no one questioned it all this time? Are we afraid or are we ignorant? If no one can answer you what happens after death, can we even just blindly believe in all these stories? Who to believe? What to believe?

{This conversation continued for hours mostly me asking questions while Arun anna explaining with several stories from books, anecdotes, experiences of great sages he met. Occasionally, Nani pops out of his room to yell at us "Rey, mellaga matladukondi ra" (talk softly)}

The Tamed Monkey - Tabula Rasa

    That 1 year in Bangalore was one of the best times of my life. I read so many books on philosophy, war, spirituality, romance and science. Hundreds of evenings with hours of discussions mainly with Arun anna. Introspections, experiments, meditations, traveling and meeting so many interesting people with varied perceptions. I solo travelled to Maharashtra even though I knew zero Hindi, stranded on the highway, almost got mugged, slept in a bathroom due to lack of lodging while waking up flooded in water. An adventure worthy of a dedicated blog post.

    Ebbs and flows of conflicting thoughts on career and job. Was doing a job really worth it? or should I just continue traveling and reading books. For the first time in life, I realized that I knew nothing. 

    In one of the books I was reading, I stumbled across words "Tabula Rasa". It means "Blank Slate". It states that every child enters this world with a blank slate, with no ideas and beliefs but with pure innocence and wonder at the world around. Be it a butterfly, a flower, an ant, everything is perceived with sheer wonder. However, the society fills the child with it's ideas, rules, beliefs, religion and politics. Over time, the child considers these beliefs as it's own even though it was merely given to it by the society. There's no more room for innocence. 

    I realized the nature of this dogma and how it's been spread across generations with no one inquiring the authenticity of it. People have taken everything they do for granted. I started seeing them as monotonous. Someone asked me to circumambulate in a temple. When I asked the significance of it, either I get responses such as "because it's worshipping and respect" or "you shouldn't ask such questions". What is then the difference between going to a gym for exercise or rolling in a temple? Some people say they are proud of their religions or castes. How can someone be proud of something that's given to them? It's not their choice. They were just accidentally born into a family happened to belong to a certain group. 

    Over next several years, the questioning has eventually turned into pure observation. When you just simply observe, you will realize everything around us is someone's idea. Every dogma is a veil and the true reasoning was lost in the past. The actions have become robotic. 

    Is there an absolute Truth underneath these shenanigans? Is the answer a mere word or an experience? Hopefully, one day.

Whatever you are doing, whatever you are thinking, whatever you are deciding, remember one thing: is it coming from you or is somebody else speaking? And you will be surprised to find out the real voice; perhaps it is your mother – you will hear her speak again. Perhaps it is your father; it is not at all difficult to detect. It remains there, recorded in you exactly as it was given to you for the first time: the advice, the order, the discipline, the commandment.

You may find many people: the priest, the teachers, the friends, the neighbors, the relatives. There is no need to fight. Just knowing that it is not your voice but somebody else’s – whosoever that somebody else is – you know that you are not going to follow it. Whatsoever the consequences, good or bad, now you are deciding to move on your own, you are deciding to be mature. You have remained a child long enough. You have remained dependent long enough. You have listened to all these voices and followed them enough. And where have they got you? – in a mess!

So once you figure out whose voice it is, say good-bye to it, because the person who had given that voice to you was not your enemy, his intention was not bad. But it is not a question of his intention; the question is that he imposed something on you, which is not coming from your own inner source – and anything that comes from outside makes you a psychological slave.

It is only your own voice, which will lead you into blossoming, into freedom.

It is dangerous to go on believing that you are still protected when you are not really protected. That’s what has happened to millions of people in the world. They feel they are protected, protected by God, protected by all kinds of things.

There is no God. There is nobody to protect you. You are alone, and you have to accept your aloneness joyously. In fact, it is a tremendous ecstasy that nobody is holding your hand.

- Your Answers Questioned, Osho